Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. Then life seems almost enchanted after all.

I said I'd post about where I'm aiming to go and what I hope to do and achieve. It's becoming increasingly difficult to see a light at the end right now. But maybe in declaring my hopes to the rest of humanity it might make me more likely to follow up on some things.

I want to go back to university that much I knew. But in that, I never had a true notion of what it is I wanted to study and ultimately what I wanted to do at the end of it. I tried to think of things I was passionate about, things that got me excited and things that I wanted to learn more about. I came up blank. There was nothing that stirred me. Until I remembered, when I was 17 and first applying to universities, in amongst all the Psychology course choices was American Studies...my one passion has always been America...sounds mildly sad but yeh. It fascinates me, its history, its literature, the country as a whole. So there, I found what I want to study. In terms of what to do after that...teaching....writing....in America if I so desired.
In tandem with that I also found a love of Scottish History. And with a degree in that I could do so much...teaching...working with Historic Scotland...
One university I have researched offers American Studies with Scottish History....perfect.

So, now I know what I want it should be fairly easy, right? Not so much. It seems there are too many obstacles and every time I think I have conquered one I either find I was wrong...or a new one pops up. The obstacles are unimportant but they seem insurmountable.

I'm trying to find strength and hope that I can do this, but right now whenever I try to glance into the future, there's nothing there. It's dark. I can't see anything. That terrifies me, because I've been there before and I know what it almost did to me. But, I also know that I came out of that....that in itself should offer some light, right? I can't see it right now and I'm angry at myself. I'm angry because I seem to be moving backwards instead of forwards. I'm turning back into the person I was 4 years ago. Thinking the same thoughts. Doing the same things I was doing 4 years ago...Almost as if everything I have become and everything I have gone through hasn't happened. I should be better than that, strong enough to fight it. Turns out I'm not, and that's why I'm angry at myself.

I'm going to be 22 soon, and I think that maybe part of what I'm feeling right now is because of that. Birthday blues. That whole "I'm 22 and what have I done with my life and what have I accomplished in the last year" thing.  The answer in my head is telling me nothing....on both counts. I don't appear to have done that much with my life and I don't feel I have accomplished anything in the last year. In fact I feel like I've lost more than I've gained. The friendships I have lost because of my actions and because of the actions of others are what pains me the most. People I never imagined not being friends with and not talking to every day are now nothing more than passing aquaintances. And that hurts more than I ever dreamed imaginable. The knowledge that we will never have the kind of relationship that we once had kills me just a little. Heh, so yeh, birthday blues.

xox